Living to die
Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you feel like all you are doing is sitting around waiting to die. I know a strange way to think of it, but that is how I feel right now. It worries me as many people say your 20’s should be a great time in your life, your doing things and meeting new people. Your starting family’s and careers.
Well I’m doing none of that. I sit a home every night trying to find something to do. Right now I’m writing this because I got board and was thinking too much. I’m hoping that this is a short phase, but in reality it’s been going on for about 4 years. It’s just gotten worse since I moved back in with my mom. She treats me like I’m 12 and it’s starting to get to me. I have no way out though so I just deal with it and hate life.
I keep thinking maybe things will get better, I keep trying new things and hoping they will go somewhere, some have, but usually it’s not much or it ends up being a disappointment in the end. I know I’m depressed, but there really is nothing I can do about it. I have no money, no friends close to me and nothing to look forward to. As the title says, right now I feel like I am living to die. I’m just sitting here accomplishing nothing.
Have you ever been in this situation?
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Hi Holly,
This is the first time I’ve been to your site. I’ve just read this post and although I don’t know you at all, I just want to say that you are not alone and I can emphatize what you are going through. People can have their ups & downs each day. I know society will dictate that your life should be this and that in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, etc…But you know what, to hell with society’s expectations!
Everyone’s life is different and we all go through our unique experiences - so I don’t understand either why our society expects us all to be achieving the same things at exactly the same age? It makes no sense.
Please look within yourself, find your own strengths and interests and pursue these. In this way, you can meet people that think like you. Do a course that will potentially lead to a job that you will be happy in. Set yourself some goals and a plan to move out, so you can have your own space and freedom. When you do this, you will definitely feel a sense of achievement and a more fulfilled life.
Please don’t take this wrong, I’m only saying this because I care. But if your depression gets worse please see your local doctor, they can prescribe you some medication or some form of therapy.
Hang in there, this will pass and you will have a great future ahead of you.
Take care,
Marie
Marie’s last blog post..Eat Your Spam
First I’d like to thank you for stopping by. I hope you liked what you read.
Second I wish more people around my area thought the way you do. They all think you need to be married by 25 and have kids soon after. I think this is one reason I find it hard to stay positive.
I have actually talked to my doctor. He says I don’t sound sever enough to worry, but he also wants to wait and see what happens when my blood sugars get under control. Then we will try to figure it out.
Thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement. I need those right now.
Hi Holly — I’m Margaret and I’m 57 years old. I’ve been where you’re at right now. More than once. You mentioned something in your answer to Marie about your blood sugar getting under control. Both diabetes and hypoglycemia have depression as a side effect, so working with your diet to keep your sugar levels constant will help you a lot.
The thinking around you regarding marriage and children is pretty last century and I think you realize that. It’s hard suffering the judgment of others who look down on a single woman, though. Take it one day at a time. Set reachable goals and soon you’ll find you’ve made it somewhere you didn’t think you could go.
Get involved with other people — volunteering to do things like read to people, work in a soup kitchen serving food or just cleaning up a bedridden neighbor’s yard will go a long way towards giving you some self respect which it sounds like you’re in short supply of right now.
No matter how sucky your life seems, there’s always someone else out there whose life is worse.
Good luck to you and please know that there are people in this world who do care about you — whether you know them or not.
Margaret
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Holly,
Marie led me here with her concerns for you. I understand why, now having read your post. Not knowing the full extent of what is occurring in your life and in your brain chemistry, I wouldn’t assume to tell you how to get better. I will make a couple of suggestions, however. Negative thinking is a tough place to be and hard to crawl out of. Activity releases feel good chemicals into the brain, so I strongly suggest you go for a brisk 30 minute walk each day (unless your doctor has suggested a medical reason not to.) Watch funny shows and movies, use the humor in your life to re frame how you perceive situations.
No one has the right to should on you. “You should be married, etc.” You are living your life, with the tools you have been given. Do your best each day to be your best. Make eye contact with yourself in the mirror once a day and remind yourself of one reason you are lovable. Get involved with others, perhaps some volunteering.
Hang in there, life has valleys so we can appreciate the mountain top view when we get there.
I had so many things that absolutely tore me up when I was in my twenties, that now, honestly, I can’t even remember. Just keep plugging away and you’ll see that life gets better then worse then better then..Well, there’s ups and downs and that’s just the way it goes. But you are never alone. You got your Entrecarder friends! Bear with the tough times, and embrace the good times.
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I hope you take this well, but if your doctor isn’t listening to your need for help, it’s time to find one who will.
But yes, I do know what you are going through, I went through a very bad depression spell a few years ago when I had to stop working outside the home. It was very bad, thought of ending things bad. But then my landlord of all people, came to my door one day and caught me in my endless hours of crying, and talked to me for nearly an hour. He offered help, he offered to drive me to a doctor to get help. He listened, he offered encouragement, he kept checking on me too. But he drove me to the doctor, waited for me, drove me to get the medicine at the pharmacy, he was what saved my life. If he hadn’t stopped by that day, I honestly don’t think I’d be here today.
But who cares if everyone in town thinks 25 is marrying age and babes need to bred, are YOU ready for that? Is that what YOU want?
You need to take care of you, do what you need for you, not other people.
This is your life, not theirs, and I’d start with finding a doctor who listens to you and is willing to help you.
Don’t let this go too long, depression has a way of making everything seem like the most dire thing in the world.
Get help as soon as you can, and then start making plans for you, not your mom, not other people.
Hang in there, there are people who who care even if you’ve never met us.
Hi Holly, my first time here. I wanted to respond to you and let you know you are not alone.
I have battled depressions for years and years now. It wasn’t until I had my breakdown did I
realize I needed help. I had my husband to talk to but it wasn’t the same because I felt he didn’t
understand how I felt. If you ever need someone to talk to just send me an email.
{{{HUGS}}}
Sassy
Sassy’s last blog post..You can lead kids to water and they will play in it
I feel like this a lot… but it seems that your just a bit depressed and in need of some excitement and stimulation. Maybe moving in with your mum was a bad move as now your back in the child role with her… Maybe you need to go on your own and make something of your life on your own.
But remember… We live in a different world now… What people think is “The normal life” is no longer fact… Most people are like you and me… its just the movies and TV tell us we should be like them.
Lee
Lee Doyle’s last blog post..I did what now?!
Holly;
I too am new here. I would like to ditto what Marie said. She is right that setting goals will be good, but you should start with baby steps.
We have all had these moments when we ask ourselves, “what’s the point?” Well, I can tell you that it’s hard to see those good points right now, but they’re there. How wonderful that you have this great blog that you can express yourself on (which by the way…looks great!). You have all these ads over to the right. I can’t even figure out how to do most of this stuff. You’ve got that going for you.
You say that the doctors want you to get your blood sugars under control, which tells me you are possibly a diabetic. I am too. At one point I’ve had to take almost 200 units of insulin a day and my blood sugars would still go up in the 300 range. I’d like to assure you that when your blood sugars are funky…so are you. Alright, I don’t mean “funky” in a “funky smell” kinda way (I don’t have that feature on my laptop) but it definitely does things with your energy levels, how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about life. Having an illness can start to feel like it’s taking control of you, rather than the other way around.
Can you tell I get it?
Just know that you are NOT alone. I don’t know much about you, but know that because you are a true person with feelings, are far more worthy than you appear to give yourself credit for.
You may not have control over your health, but you can control how you decide to deal with it. Crap! Did I just sound like a Hallmark card just now? Oh well…you know what I mean.
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Buck up sunshine! You are far from alone. Everyone has these phases. If you were some sort of strange fruit/dog hybrid - you’d be a mellon-collie. It may seem tough now but believe me, you’ll look back on this time in a few years and realize, well - I don’t know your personal situation but I can promise you things will get better. I mean it. So, try to laugh at least once tomorrow, maybe twice the day after, see what happens …
Yes! Oh lordy, I was exactly in that space when I was in my 20s. There are people out there who’ll say, “Buck up! You have your whole life ahead of you!” Honestly, I can’t figure those people out.
Marie made a good point about talking to your doctor. I wanted until I was nearly 40 to get help for my depression. Don’t be dumb like me.
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I can totally understand where your coming from and exactly how your feeling. I went thru that in my twenties as well. I felt like life wasn’t what it was made out to be, I was married to someone who treated me like a child. Was not able to do anything, go anywhere, But you have to remember, we are in control of our own destiny. We are the only ones who have control of what we do, where we go and how we do things. This phase will pass, you have to believe in yourself.
It will be ok….I tell myself that every single day.
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Thank you all for your amazing advice and knowledge. Also thanks for stopping by!
My doctor is working with me. I’m just not wanting to take pills right now until I know it’s not just the diabetes. I have had a hard year and have actually gotten rid of poor friends so I think some of this is just being lonely.
Knowing that others have gone though this is very helpful. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy and I can get though this.
Get a very good doc. A very good one. This is the key. (Is your current one a VERY good one?)
And yes, definitely, get rid of poor friends. I highly recommend you start to choose with whom you want to stay in contact and have close to you.
Stick with those who support you and your wishes and visions.
~Marcus
Marcus Hochstadt’s last blog post..Ryan’s View Of The Top 100
By now I think you have clearly seen that many people have gone through something similar … so not to repeat what everyone else has said .. but you definitely are not alone many people can identify with how you are feeling. Based on all the comments here I think you have plenty of help and support if you want it
The important thing is to not ever let the neg feelings beat you for long.. we all have have been overcome temporarily but keep snapping back up… every time you do , you get strong and stronger.
I hope that doesn’t all sound too cliche… but speaking from personal experience it does get better, and you get stronger, every time you beat it.
Also If there’s anyway we can help you out send me a pvt. msg.
T
One step at a time is the best approach. Maybe join some groups… charity work. Above all, get out of the house now and then. Hopefully this phase of your life passes quickly for you.
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You’re definetely not alone and you have some wonderful friends here in the blogosphere, you have did the right thing, blogging. It’s good way to release some of your worries and share the hurts with others. We are all in one big family, and we will never be alone anymore although we just meet virtually but we will be able to help each other in any situation in unique way.
Keep sharing, be strong, praying everyday and you’ll be ok
It’s hard to read your post and not shed a drop of tear. I’ve been to a similar point in my life just last month . It’s getting better already but from time to time, I sink back to depression again. I’m still on my 20s too. 22, to be exact, and I’m living also living my parents until next month.
I recently when to another city to look for a job to run away from my toxic relationship with my parents, the crooks who took my life savings and treat me like garbage now that I don’t have anything else to give. Those 2 weeks made me realize that I’m better off without them and away from their verbal abuse.
I’ve tried suicide to end my misery too and thankfully, I was too chicken to do it. I’m not gonna make another attempt again cause I already know that was a stupid idea thanks to Entrecard friends who expressed their support just like they are doing to you now. heheheh
I suggest you broaden your horizons, just like I did, and try to move away from toxic relationships. You deserve better and although venturing to life alone seems to be too scary, living in your limbo is way more dangerous.
try playing Natasha Badingfield’s “Unwritten” for a start heheh. This might sound so gay, but that song keeps me from falling back to that darker place. I even stopped popping Prozac now. hheheh.
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Holly, you’ve received some great advice from the commenters above me
I’ve been suffering from depression for a few years now and am still on anti-depressants (I call them my “happy pills”). I know you said that you don’t want to take pills but don’t rule them out.
There’s always someone to lend an ear (or an eye). You have my email if you feel the need to chat
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Hi Holly, I really can’t say that I know what you are going through. Most of the time, we get depressed because we fail to do the things we love doing, Like Marie said, don’t let society dictate what your life should be. You should do as you please as long as it prohibits hurting others and you will be just fine.We are all friends here and drop by sometime if you like and maybe we could have chat about anything and everything.
One more thing, I you think that you are crazy, don’t feel bad about it. We are all crazy at some point and this whole world we are living in is the very definition of crazy!!!
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Hey Holly,
I’m glad this has helped you in some small way. If ever you are feeling very alone again and there’s just no-one for you to turn to, just send me an e-mail and I will try and respond to you as soon as I can, ok?
Cheers,
Marie
Marie’s last blog post..Eat Your Spam
Hi there, perhaps you’re going through what some termed as “quarter life crisis”. Consider building a firm relationship with your mum. It did worked for me because I do realized (some time later) that the family is indeed a person’s bedrock should everything crumbles.
Keep your chin up, gal!
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Wow. I don’t think I have every had this many comments on anything! Thank you all and I’m going to be keeping this post in a bookmark for when I get down again. I’m doing well today I talked with a friend of mine about joining a group with the school I am at yesterday. It’s an hour and a half drive to it, but at least it’s something to do and it will help my career.
Just knowing people actually care is nice, the friends I had usually just started telling me their life was worse and never listened. When I was in the hospital for a week they didn’t come visit or anything. A few didn’t know because I don’t talk to them much and a few others, (the good ones) live to far away. But after that I decided to start weeding out the bad and keeping the good. Unfortunatly that ment everyone within a hour of me was gone. but it’s for the best.
ah! personally I think the 20’s are about settling your childhood years, I went through a lot as a kid and I surpressed it all while I was living with my mom but had a lot of dramatic episodes in my 20’s. It does get better…
About friends, I’ve lost so many to all the ills of society, drugs, alcohol, greed, porn, politics you name it! To the point that I’m basically friendless. I have new friends but the truth is once you get burned as many times as I did you don’t trust that willingly ever again so I keep them all at a distance.
I found a great post that’s been going on for years, maybe if you read some of that you will see you’re not alone… http://leeiwan.wordpress.com/2006/06/23/what-happens-when-we-have-no-friends/
About the meds, just say NO to drugs. If you start now would you be able to get off when/if you want kids? pregnancy, breastfeeding I think you may have a good doc if s/he’s really evaluating you before prescribing, don’t go to someone with a miracle pill cure.
Life takes courage, many times it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant, other times it’s joy and happiness. Just remember you have to go through the valleys to get to the mountaintops.
Feel free to email me if you want to chat. xoxo
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{{hugs}} To echo everybody else, you hang in there. I too have had depression issues. I was terrified when I had my kids that I would get post partnum depression (instead I got out of control hormones but that’s another story).
My advice to you is to not go to your regular doctor, but go to psychologist. They will help you work out some of your issues and triggers. They can offer you pills, but they will also teach you techniques to deal with what is going on in your life. They can also help you figure out what you want out of life and help you make a plan/map to get there.
Also, keep talking about it on your blog. I found when I had my miscarriage talking about it on my blog helped a lot. People who had went through the same thing were able to tell me that my feelings were normal and that the hurt would go away (though the hole left in my heart probably wouldn’t). The other benefit that has come out of me posting about this is that I have helped other people. I still get comments on those posts from people going through what I did. I am glad I can help them.
You’ll get through this. As you can tell, you have many people who will happily give you a shoulder to cry on if needed.
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Holly,
I am reading all these posts and thinking along similar lines. You are definitely depressed and need a doctor that understands what is going on. I think you should consider a second opinion. I deal with indviduals that are depressed on a daily basis, please consider going to someone else they can help with more than just medication as Lisa said above. There are community resources available if insurance is an issue.
You should live for yourself and not somebody elses idea of what you should be doing. Are you working, volunteering somewhere? Working with something you enjoy (animals, plants, people, kids, whatever you like)…That way you will meet other people that share the same interests.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
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I know you don’t know me but I wanted to come here to say something to you, something has really gotten me through some very tough and I do mean tough times…. It never gets darker than midnight! Please know your in my thoughts and prayers and I would love to get to know you and perhaps blossom a friendship….no one can ever have enough friends… God Bless You
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Please don’t be afraid of the pills. They have helped many a person. I too have suffered from depression and it can be really, really hard to fight your way out of it. Sometimes it’s not even possible and the medications are there to help that.
Hang in there. I have so many things running around my head that I want to say but without knowing you, who am I to say what may or may not work for you. I just want you to know you’re not alone and to hang in there.
I hope you feel better soon.
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To answer your question.
No. Not for a prolonged period of time.
If you’re in your 20’s and waiting to die I would urge you to get professional counseling.
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There are times I am down and think I want to die, but I would never kill myself that is why my doctor said if I want to wait on the pills its okay. I was depressed as a teen and once my sister had my niece I kept picturing her and how sad she would be. It still works and now I have 2 more to add to the list. My niece already had to deal with the loss of her grandfather at 3 (my father) I won’t intentional put her though that again.
The title of my post “Waiting to Die” was referring to how I seem to be doing nothing with my life but waiting to die. Yes I am very lonely right now as the few friends I have live a distance or are too busy with their kids and parenting things to do anything. So please don’t worry I’m going to kill myself. I just like to lock myself away from people and that is starting to scare me. I’m not like that.
I’m also not against the pills, I was on them as a teen and they just made me feel weird. It’s hard to explain, but I guess numb would be about right. I’m on a ton of pills for my diabetes and I would like to get off a couple of those before I add another, unless my doctor thinks I really need it. He is a good doctor and checks in on me a lot.
I just wanted to explain a few of your concerns. I am not working, but I’m looking for work I that is another issue that is bringing me down. I am trying to join a student organization at school and upping my workouts. If I get enough money I may join a gym this summer just to get out with people and socialize a little more.
Wow this got long!
This is my first time here too, and I just wanted to add to the chorus of voices telling you that you’re not alone. Unlike you, I did sincerely want it all to end for a long time. I survived two suicide attempts in my early 20s. I have been on 3 different types of medication. The first made me feel like I was in la-la land, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to try any more. But one of the others made me sleepy at first then had no side effects, and the other did its job and nothing more. It’s just a matter of finding the right thing. If you decide to go the medication route, don’t be discouraged if the first thing doesn’t work right. There are lots of options available today.
Also, medication is not necessarily forever. I was med-free for a couple of years and had a death in the family that necessitated more medication, but it was only temporary and I now haven’t had any medication for depression in 4 years. I still get blue on occasion, but overall I’m a happy person.
It sounds like a lot of your problem has to do with your circumstances. I think mine did too, to a certain extent. My life is certainly not without problems (in some ways I have more problems now than I did then), but it’s more fulfilling. And I think that’s why I can get along without meds. But if I felt myself slipping back into the state I was once in, I would consider going back on them. I have too much going for me not to. Best of luck to you, and I hope that whatever you do makes you a happier person.
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