Good, bad and horrible
Today started out really good. I have been happy the last few days. Now I realized I have been a complete idiot and I may be getting rid of yet another friend. This friend can’t make up his mind as to what he wants. He knows I have liked him since we first met 6 years ago. The other day he was talking like maybe something could happen. Today he informs me he’s going to call up some girl so he can get drunk and sleep with her.
I don’t know why I keep putting myself though this. I tried a few years ago to tell him I couldn’t do it anymore. He cried and I gave in. The last 2 years I kept trying hard to get over him, but I just couldn’t. No one wants me at all so that made it really hard. You can’t get over someone if you can’t find anyone to even go on a date with. I got off the phone tonight and just started crying. It literally hurt, I felt like I was sick and someone had stabbed me in the stomach. The thing is this happens at least once a year. I want to talk to him, but every time I try I can’t do it. I know if I could date I would be okay. I am attracted to other people, none have liked me. It just makes me think something is wrong with me and because of my weight I still think it’s that, even if it’s not the case.
I feel like I have died a hundred times over the last 6 years with the back and forth from this guy and the one night stands that I thought were more. I swore I would never be this girl, now here I sit. crying over a guy who one minute treats me like I’m amazing and another tells me he’s off screwing some chick who screws him over all the time.
I just don’t know how to tell him to go away, it doesn’t have to be forever, just long enough for me to get over him. I think though that it will have to be forever. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, but really he’s killed me, over and over again. I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just deal with it and realize that no one will ever care about me or want me for more then just sex. Thats all I’m worth to anyone.
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Aw honey, you deserve so much more.
Sometimes the weight goes to our head. I am married and have a wonderful husband who loves me, but sometimes I get to the point where I feel like my weight makes me ugly and I feel ugly and he doesn’t see that, but I feel like trash.
I don’t know if you are a Christian or not or are awfully offended by those preaching to you, but I HIGHLY recommend the book “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore. It will help you see just how beautiful you are. She deals with depression in the book and how we all have issues we need to break away from. She should know. She was abused as a child and slept around a lot in college.
I also remember that after a breakup I would think that I was not worth anyone and that no one would love me - especially when my friends were mostly his friends. But you know, I found THE one and got married at age 29. There is someone out there for you, but first you need to work on YOU and getting to love YOU.
Hugs.
Lisas last blog post..I Am Voting for a Black Man
I’ll have to check out that book, now that I have some time to read something besides school books. After sleeping on it I decided I need to have a talk with this guy and figure out what is going on. The problem is I don’t know and it’s frustrating. If I know there is nothing there I’ll be okay.
I’m glad to hear it’s not just me, at the same time thats a sad thought. I think women in general are held up to such high standards when it comes to looks. I would love to see that change.
OH my goodness Holly, you MUST NEVER feel as if your only good for just sex. Heavens no! I am so sorry you are feeling this way, its so hard to love someone and that person not be on the same wave length thus to speak. I will keep you in thought and prayers and hope you can find the time to find that book to see if it will help you!
Thanks for the support.
It is very hard for me to think otherwise because of my past experance. This guy was the one who when I first met him made me feel like I was worth more. So this is very hard on me. I’ve been doing some soul searching and am still decideing what exactly I’m going to do. I know I need to work on myself.
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